02 Dealing With Toxic People

Key Points Summary:


In this video, we discuss how to deal with people playing toxic or negative roles in our lives. Key points to remember:
  • Hurt people, hurt people. Their hurtful behaviour is a reflection of them and the pain that they're experiencing. It is not necessarily a reflection on you. 
  • Similarly, the more hurt you are, the more you may be hurting those around you.
  • Being hurt does not justify hurtful actions - we shouldn't permit anyone else to treat us badly.
  • At the same time, it's also important to be compassionate and understand that there may be other factors in their lives contributing to their behaviour.
  • Forgiveness (both of others and ourselves) is vital in order to let go of past hurts – and the best way to do this is through our commitment to healing our own wounds.
  • If we have hurt others: We can’t take back the past, but we can always proactively strive to be more impeccable with our words and actions from this moment onward.
  • If we have been hurt: We can’t control others’ behaviour, but we can do our utmost to control our response to it. 
  • Remember - you do not deserve to be hurt, nor is it your fault someone is treating you in this way - don't permit their hurtful words or actions to dent your confidence and self-belief.
  • The more peaceful we feel within ourselves, the less power we give to others to (psychologically) hurt us!
  • NOTE: This does not apply to physical, emotional or sexual abuse - for more on this, please read the end of this description!)

Depending on the extent to which the person embodies a role, there are four actions we can take:

1. Talk to them about how their behaviour is impacting our well-being:
  • Sometimes, people are not aware of how their actions are impacting us, but may be willing to change their behaviour around us after a short conversation.
  • Don't make assumptions or try to mind-read what someone may respond if you confront them - ask them and get a real answer!
  • A lot of us are afraid of how the other person will respond (e.g. awkward, confrontational, etc.) - you can't control their response, but you can control your own!
  • Make a conscious choice not to let their response impact you, and feel pride in yourself at having stood up for yourself!

2. Set boundaries or rules for how we interact with each other during the study period.
  • We can set boundaries around how they can interact with us e.g. certain times of the day, certain conversation topics.
  • We can set boundaries and rules for ourselves about the impact we allow other people to have on us (as we can't control their behaviour).
  • We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop and what we reinforce.
    • If you allow someone to treat you a certain way, they'll continue to do so.
    • Confront them if they treat you negatively, and create positive reinforcements when they respect you & your boundaries
  • Our boundaries are only limited by the amount of respect we have for ourselves - each time you stand up for yourself builds confidence and self-esteem!

3. Block them out of our lives until the conclusion of our final exam.
  • Telling the person playing the role that you'll require a time period of a few weeks or months without being in contact with them.
  • Often relevant for people with whom we have a painful history (e.g. past relationships) and who leave us feeling worse-off after our interactions.
  • Blocking them out for a period of time:
    • Creates space to make our own decisions/actions.
    • Gives us time to process our experience and make decisions.

4. Cut them out of our lives completely.
  • For people who add no value to our lives, create a toxic atmosphere and would rather bring us down to their level than to elevate their own.
  • We are the sum of the people we surround ourselves with - we have no obligation to anyone else if they're holding us back from becoming the best version of ourselves.

As we discuss the 6 Negative Roles in the next videos, please keep in mind:
  • The same person or group may play multiple roles.
  • These roles do not describe what the person is always like; it doesn’t refer to their identity, and they are not bad people...
  • It just refers to the behaviours that they tend to adopt when faced with the stress of studying for exams.
  • Outside of exams, it refers to the behaviours they exhibit when they’re emotionally hurt, vulnerable or triggered. 

NOTE: These examples are NOT applicable for cases of bullying, discrimination or physical/emotional/sexual abuse. If you're experiencing any form of abuse, please read the 'Recommended Reading' section of this description for resources on who to contact for help.

Activities:


Consider the following questions:
  1. List examples of when have used any of these strategies before in your life. What was the challenge you faced in using this strategy? What was the outcome?
  2. For any people currently playing negative roles in your life right now, which strategy do you think would be appropriate to use? What would be the first step you can take to implement it?
  3. As you watch the following videos on the 6 types of negative people, consider which strategies you would to deal with each of them.

Recommended Reading & Videos:



Studies & Articles Referenced:


None.